This charming piece of urban apochrypha comes from an anonymous source, by way of Santa Cruz native Donna Blakemore. La Donna, currently Vice President for Development at San Francisco State University, should know better. (The views contained in this press release do not necessarily reflect the views of this blog.)
“Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for Santa Cruz County:
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a million dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her personal Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
Boulder Creek Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. This Barbie can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. A Percocet prescription is available as well as newly built condo.
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Lompico Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with a mobile home.
Santa Cruz Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbie’s and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
Scotts Valley Barbie
She’s perfect in every way. We have no idea where Ken is; he’s probably still at work in Silicon Valley.