Best Actress – Annette Bening (okay, even sacrificing a chicken couldn’t stop Natalie Portman from taking the Oscar for Best Performance by eyebrows and collarbones)

Best Actor – Colin Firth (duh) (he was great in the film, but his acceptance speech will go down in history as one of the dullest, most awkward moments in public speaking)

Best Supporting Actress – Melissa Leo (Her’s was the quintessential “why did we give the Oscar to her?” moment. A real moment of low-brow emoting. An utterly phony display of fake emotions, matched perfectly by her gown of flea market crocheted doilies.)

Best Supporting Actor – Christian Bale (Proof that Welshmen are in a class by themselves, and easily the best-looking guy on the stage that night.)

Best Director -Darren Aronofsky (or maybe the Coens)  (I blew this one)

Best Film – The Kings Speech (Safe and predictable, just like the Oscar “awards” themselves.)